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The Printer’s a Devil

May 22, 2010

In the spirit of Rivenheart’s tantalising and majestic foccaccia foccacia focacia focaccia recipe (we settled on how many Cs, where?), here is a recipe for your satisfaction and enjoyment. It began with a hot day, a printing errand, and a keen sense of economy. Particularly since The Scoundrel Boris raised travel fares. ‘Scoundrel’ in Latin, in case you wanted to know as of course you do, is ‘furcifer’. There you go, you learn something new every day!

Recipe for Roasted Headachey, Lost and Very Very Tired Research Student

1 Sun
1 London A-Z
2 Feet
1 Jilbab
1 ton of bag
8 sheets of Important Paper

1. Preheat the City of London to 20-odd degrees celsius.

2. Take the 2 feet and stuff into jilbab. At the same time, stuff the 8 sheets of Important Paper into 1-ton bag.

3. Add stuffed bag and London A-Z to stuffed jilbab. Beat together at high speed until the mixture emits heat and resembles the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

4. Place on floor of preheated oven City of London, at ‘Aldwych’. Set timer to ‘Holborn’.*

5. When mixture has heated up completely, and perspiration has collected on the edges** of the tin, take off floor of City of London, and set on 3rd floor of office building.

6. Remove 8 sheets of Important Paper from ton-bag, add a little conversation and a dash of ineffectual bargaining.***

7. Set mixture back on floor of City of London, this time setting the timer for ‘Russell Square’. Observe perspiration collecting around the edges.****

8. Place in fridge for two hours to set.*****

9. Return to floor of (now superheated) City of London, and repeat step 5.

10. Repeat step 6 (removing currants currency from mixture instead of paper) – then add 1000 sheets of paper and a box to the mixture in the tin.

11. Repeat step 7, setting the timer for ‘Aldwych’.******

12. Take mixture (which should now resemble the Beast, and have consistency of jelly in a bed of perspiration) out of the City of London, and rapidly transfer into bus. Set timer to ‘home’.

13. For best results, transfer to shower immediately.

14. Enjoy.

> Best served cool, with freshly-squeezed orange juice and delayed satisfaction at economy of saving around £6.40 in combined travel and print costs.

The life of a research student doing research is hard.


* Which you might think is pronounced ‘Hol-born’ but it’s not. It’s pronounced ‘Ho, burn!’ which could be construed as discriminatory against ladies of the night, and also incitement to violence. Which is illegal. It must also be noted that the actual destination was much closer to Gray’s Inn, thus, being informed it was ‘Ho, burn!’ at all was thoroughly misleading.
** In large part due to the fact of getting woefully lost despite A-Z deployment. The City of London is a WARREN GREAT BIG MITOCHONDRION, where even when you’re going in vaguely the right direction, you can easily walk an extra two miles due to the narrow windinesses that wind back on themselves, strongly resembling the cristae therein (see figure 3.0 image on right).
QED large surface area within small volume.
*** Mixture suddenly and unexpectedly collapses, due to the discovery that overall cooking time has increased from the expected 3.5 hours to around 8. Mixture then required the fortifying addition of Lunch to strengthen its consistency.
**** See **.
***** As mentioned in ***, this was the expected time, but circumstances increased setting-time to 6 hours.
****** See **.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Maryam permalink
    May 24, 2010 5:20 pm


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