It’s Meeting The Man Of Your Dreams
…except he’s not. Because in your dreams, he is AVAILABLE.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single Muslim girly approaching the age of twenty-million-squillion must be in want of a hubby. It’s already been noted that they are dropping like flies – and we wanted to know, why aren’t we? But that’s only one half of the question.
So we ask the real and pressing question – we ask it of our brothers and fathers and aunties and girlfriends – why are there no decent mens*? Where ARE they all? Even our non-Muslim fellow girlies are suffering from the same dearth of decency, and they’re not limited to a pool of, like, six villages in the Outer Hebrides of men related to their Grandma Joan. And it’s not that men don’t EXIST – they rather clearly do – but they are…are…well, just not there.
And it brings us back to the question of WHY? Why all the 404s?
In Real Life – isn’t it ironic? – you’re meeting the Man of your Dreams, and he is invariably one of four** things. Some poor lemmings may already be familiar with the Four States Model; like every robust scientific theory, it must be dressed in a certain amount of jargonese to pass muster for its validity (of course that’s the only criteria). And so, lemmings and jellyplums, I give you:
The Four States of Decent Men if you are a Single Muslim Girl trying to Get Married
1. They are TAKEN
And trust me, they are ALWAYS taken. It’s worst when it’s just a matter of someone getting there before you. Maybe they were simply BORN before you. And while spots #2, #3, and #4 are VACANT, they are also CLOSED.
2. They are NOT MUSLIM
Come on, you know if he was a Muzzie, you’d marry him in a second, admit it! If he asked. Actually, no, you know what? You totally would not wait for him to ask. You’d tie him up and drag him away by the ankles beard and subject him to a forced marriage, secure in the knowledge that nobody would believe him if he complained. Sorted.
3. They are FICTIONAL
Please wait while this list is being populated.
No, too much work. Let’s talk about, I don’t know, Mr Knightley. Although he also fits into #2. And then also #1. And actually, also in #4. 😄 Amanda Price nailed this one, though.
Zachary, then. Who cares if he’s a king?
I have pointedly left Edward Cullen out of this extensive (haha) list because I prefer even my fictional gentlemen to be – well, to put it delicately – alive***. Which takes us to –
4. They are DEAD.
Over the years, the Original Big Four has been expanded to also include two sub-categories, which while they don’t meet the marriageability requirement, may account for some of the variance**** of a young woman’s unmarriedness.
5. They are MAHRAMS
i.e. not marriageable.
6. They are FEMALE
i.e. also not marriageable. And no matter how awesome she is, you just don’t swing that way. Sigh.
I have this very moment realised there is a third sub-category that we can add:
7. As Yet Unborn
My dad jokes that my hubby hasn’t been born yet. I’m in the general area of a full quarter-century, people. If he hasn’t been born yet, We’re Very Concerned. It means I will be a spinster for the next 20 years at least.*****
“Susan, Amy Taylor says you are an old maid. Are you, Susan?”
“Such has been the lot an all-wise Providence has ordained for me,” said Susan unflinchingly.
“Do you LIKE being an old maid, Susan?”
“I cannot truthfully say I do, my pet. But,” added Susan, remembering the lot of some wives she knew, “I have learned that there are compensations.”
– Walter and Susan, in Anne of Ingleside
> Have I missed anything? If you’ve got a reason I haven’t, please share it! Let’s spread some of this spinster feeling around.
> Have you met the (wo)man of your dreams?
* With or without a good fortune, we are not fussy 😄
** Gives ‘404’ a whole new meaning. Four, oh four! Four reasons why! Four, oh four…
*** This is obviously ignoring that Edward is, in fact, a bit of a numpty, as per this list.
**** Can you tell I’ve been working on my stats? The life of a research student is hard. Even harder than a fangirl’s.
***** And THAT’S assuming he’s born within the next year or so, since I have no intention just yet of doing the cougar-thing.