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REASONS FOR DISLIKING EDWARD CULLEN: A list in progress

March 30, 2010

1.  Sparkling.

2.  Being too cool for school.  Not just in school, either.

3.  Controlling little nut.  Girl can make up her own mind about stuff, KTHX.

4.  Still not forgiven him for wimping out and running away to Brazil in search of ‘distractions’ in New Moon (which was generally awful, bar exactly one paragraph) in order ‘to save’ Bella.  Cf: point 3.

5.  Attempting to control Jacob visitations, throughout, on the basis of ‘danger’.  For someone with two medical degrees, there is NO excuse for the lack of logic and objective reasoning required for this kind of behaviour.

6.  Being hung up over something all the time.

7.  Always knowing best.  God forbid that someone else might have a brighter idea.

8.  ‘It will be as if I never existed’.  What are you on, Cullen?  Cf: point 5, clause 2.

9.  Being cold.  As in, physically, to the touch.  What on Earth is attractive or seductive about this??
… Fine fine, I know he can’t help this part, but even so.  However many times you try and force it onto us, Meyer, COLD SKIN LOSES SEXY POINTS.  Defy the principles of physiology, will you?!  He’s a sparkling vampire, he doesn’t know any better, but what’s your excuse?

10.  A measure of masculinity please, sir.  If you need tips, arrange a meeting with Mr Rochester.  Don’t spend too long in his company, though, we don’t want you  swinging in the other direction.

11.  Generally considering his own passions and impulses to be greater than Bella’s, through sheer fact of being a vampire and thus somehow capable of feeling things more intensely.  Refer to the concept of ratios.  Presumptuous man.

12.   Being 17.  Couldn’t you have contracted Spanish influenza at a more mature age?  Might have taken you more seriously then.

13.  Having to hear about you for months on end when a bunch of younger friends became aware of your existence via several hundred pages at a time.  If it hadn’t been for the fact that they are such very close friends… >_>

14.  There is nothing huggable about being as hard as a statue.  Cf: point 9.

Having said all this, there’s much to be said for a man who is in possession of such a sense of loyalty.  And morals.  And he has a good little heart.

Hmph, nonetheless.

NB: Levantine thinks the entire series is terribly written, from a literary point of view, and reads like a neurotic teenage daydream, from a human point of view.  I suppose it gets (rather grudging) points for one thing, though: it’s honest.   (Whether or not THIS is a good thing, however, given the eventual result, is another matter entirely.)

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19 Comments leave one →
  1. Richard permalink
    March 30, 2010 8:49 pm

    Well that was controversial.

    Now do The Da Vinci Code!

    😛

  2. March 30, 2010 8:55 pm

    That would require reading it first!

    And that would require a person being willing to sacrifice several hours of their life to the endeavour.

    The question is: Is It Really Worth It?

  3. Levantine permalink
    March 30, 2010 10:43 pm

    Oh God. Oh God! Don’t. Get me started.

    … Too late. Scheduled for the next time I feel like wasting an hour of scheduled GI surgery time.

  4. kaimalino permalink
    March 30, 2010 11:16 pm

    Nearly wet myself snickering at this. The realities of 3, 5, and 7 ruffled even my husband’s feathers, and he is an uptight accountant, so that’s saying something. Can I add that Edward’s just no fun? Cold AND no laughs–that’s *really* un-sexy.

  5. March 30, 2010 11:40 pm

    Wait Lev, does that mean you’ve actually READ The Da Vinci Code? Please don’t have.

    I made the resolution (totally not hard to keep, btw), never to read that atrocity. I don’t even need to read it to know it’s rubbish: people whose opinion I trust (sometimes more than I trust my own XD) have told me it would not be Worth My Time.

    He didn’t have much of a sense of humour did he? Wet blanket.

    • Levantine permalink
      March 30, 2010 11:46 pm

      I did indeed, in a moment of utter darkness. Nursing such a vehement distaste for modern-day critics, I decided to give it a shot. I’m guessing that this is perhaps the only time you will approve of my skipping ahead and reading the ending, because could not tolerate conventionally working my way towards the ending itself.

      Never have I read a book which felt as though written with the intention of one day becoming a film script.

      I suppose the one good thing that really came out of reading it is that I resolved to never see the film, however pretty the trailer looked (it being local and all).

      Tune in next time: My Beef with the Da Vinci Code…

      • March 31, 2010 12:23 am

        I am seriously looking forward to that. I have an awesome article about it somewhere, ripped out from a newspaper years ago – possibly pre-Egypt, so I have NO IDEA where it is, but it was a really really good article.

  6. March 30, 2010 11:45 pm

    i read the da vinci code but not twilight.

    am i kicked off the blog?

    • March 31, 2010 12:05 am

      Did you like it and consider it a fine piece of literature?

  7. Richard permalink
    March 30, 2010 11:58 pm

    Oh God. Which barrel-residing fish will be the next target?

    Perhaps the Conservative Party?

    • Levantine permalink
      March 31, 2010 12:05 am

      Dude. If you want me to be a competent doctor one day, you’d better stop adding fuel to my fire >_>

      • March 31, 2010 12:07 am

        If it gets rid of David Cameron, I’ll play.

        That man really gets up my nose. Like, REALLY. Faker.

    • Fjafjan permalink
      March 31, 2010 1:40 am

      You know who else is really unlikable? Dr No. I think that would be a more interesting target.

  8. March 31, 2010 3:58 am

    I’ve read the Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons, AND the first book of the Twilight series…Ya Allah. Angels and Demons wasn’t so bad in a poorly written pseudo lit page turner kind of way, but Dan Brown won’t be going down as true literary fiction, that’s for sure.

    Lev, thanks so much for posting this…it provided much giggles. I’m thinking of doing a similar idea for Bella, because really, the demise of the character of the young adult heroine and the havoc it’s wreaking on young readers is just downright depressing. In my day we walked uphill both ways through ten feet of snow to get to school heroines had brains and didn’t need a man to tell them when to do things, what to do, and constantly remind them how inferior they are.

  9. March 31, 2010 7:00 pm

    i liked the da vinci code at the time that i read it. i liked it a lot. i don’t think i’d enjoy it now.

    are you criticizing it’s content? or writing style? or something else?

    • April 1, 2010 10:40 pm

      I think I was warned away from it on the basis that it was poorly written, badly characterised history-abuse (so both things). It’s been a while, but it was a compelling argument, and I saw no need to read it to see whether it was true or not.

      Of course, there’s nothing to say you can’t like books that aren’t great works of fiction! ^_^ I suspect that if I had read it, I might have secretly enjoyed it, while appreciating that it was not to be taken too seriously. A source of my bother with Dan Brown culture is that people take it TOO SERIOUSLY. Or something.

      • April 2, 2010 12:15 am

        Amen. The books are fun if you don’t take them too seriously. And I don’t really have a leg to stand on – I definitely read a LOT of stuff that isn’t “good fiction.” I read fan fiction for the love of God. I haven’t a leg to stand on.

  10. March 31, 2010 9:23 pm

    I think the plot, characterization, and writing are pretty weak in both books, but I found the plot of Angels and Demons to be much more riveting than that of the Da Vinci Code, so I found that one more enjoyable in a page turner sort of way.

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